Let me give it to ya straight

For whatever reason some people seem to want to know about my lame little history. I dunno why, it's nothin too special. Still I figure 's easier to write it here once instead of telling it over and over and over and over and over again.
Here's the dealio: I was born on September 24, 1771 to French aristocratic parents. Growing up I had it pretty sweet, never really had to lift a finger. For some reason or other my 'rents had problems gettin pregnant again after me, so I was pretty damn spoiled for being both the only child and the boy who would inherit my father's legacy. Plus I was so damned cute. But anyway, so along comes the French Revolution and me and the parentals are thrown into jail just for havin' some money. My dad was executed pretty soon after, that guillotine was a bitch. Mom and me were just left to rot for a while. I wasn't considered important enough to die quickly. Mom died from some disease or other after a year, and I was left alone. So I sat there and waited and waited and waited for them to just hurry up and get it over with. I mean, seriously, starving to death is way worse than having your head sliced off. I think they eventually forgot I was even there. I kinda lost track of time while sitting there, but I figure at this point I'm like 20 or 21. Then this one night comes where I'm so weak from not eating that I actually start hallucinating. I think I see my dad and then my mom and then all of a sudden I see this dude with these freaky red eyes. I was so past the point of caring that I didn't even think he was scary, just kind of interesting and weird. I dreamed that he took me away to this super tight palace but then all of a sudden I'm like on fire or something so I figure the revolutionaries finally decided to kill me. I just decide to take it like a man but the fire won't effing stop, y'know? That's when I woke up to what I am now. I was pretty weirded out to begin with, but Ren and Felix and the rest of the guard took me in and treated me like one of their own, so I felt at home pretty quickly. I never went back and took revenge on my jailers. It's not my style, but also Aro wouldn't have let me interfere with human politics, not to mention that after a while I kind of saw their side of things. They did have a pretty shitty life because of people like me and my folks and in a bizarre sort of messed up way, I'm kinda grateful to 'em. I mean, if I hadn't been in that jail cell, the Volturi wouldn't have found me and I wouldn't be what I am today with this kickass family and super amazing girl. After all this, I did learn one thing: governmental bodies can't stay in power forever. There has to be continuous upheaval and changing of the ruling party or the people will revolt. So even though I'm lovin' being a Volturi for now, I know better than the rest of the guard that it can't last forever, even if we will. Until that happens though, I'm enjoying every minute of my life.
So now that I've got that off my chest, next time someone asks me for my history, I'm just gonna point 'em here. That made my life easier! Catch ya on the flipside peeps!